Everything is a struggle

I am so frustrated to deal with people's doubt or mistrust in my effort for working at the new jobs in new location. I don't understand what are they made themselves being doubt or mistrust or worrying about my effort. If I apply a job, it is mean I am an interesting. I am not here to playing a game and listen of your doubt in your speech. Why would I have listen of your doubt every times? I am not speaking in doubt ways. I am going to speak straightforward - If you feel doubt or worry about my interesting then don't need to waste my time by hear your saying. I am tired of hearing this same thing almost every day. I just really want to get out of here this long time home. I don't feel motivation or happiness to be here in this long time home state. Why does this hold me back? I need to know what does this hold me back. Why does this really worst harder to get a job? I really hate everything what I am deal with. 😡😡😡

My pain is NOT same as your pain

This is very difficult times for me going through many trials. I sometime could not understand why I'm still single. Some people says, "I will find one." I did mistrust this words because of my experience and feeling what I had been through many years. I feel like I am not valueable person to the right man. I know I am beautiful but not define of being valueable. This is really harder than what you see me deal with this. I have been dreaming of having a real man loves me and be on my left side but this is not reality in my life. This is like it is been 10 years now. How can I get over this piece of pain? I want this complete over because I am tired of getting emotion over this repeat like every time I see every marriage couples in my face. I was in past relationship, it was very horrible and sad. Sometime I wish I can fix my past relationship because it could be my last relationship. I have mistrust of words that I will marriage or find a right man. How can this complete done? I have been praying for find me a right man but my prayer isn't answered for a years. How can I suppose to trust in my prayer? I think I just have give up the part of my desire for marriage in my prayer because this isn't been answered in my prayer. I hate all of this repeat emotional. Is there something wrong with me? Do I have a mental disorder? Emotional disorder? What is wrong with me? Is there something absent in my life whatever had damaged my relationship? Does it affect me after I lose my great-grandma? Does it affect my angry of my father? Does it affect any reason I am not right person to getting marry to the right man? What is the reasons? There is no answer for me that I am very fraustrated. I need to know WHY. Can you give me an answer? Why do I have being beautiful? Why don't I being deserved to have a right man while I'm beautiful? What is the purpose for me being beautiful? Being beautiful can be result in feeling hurt. Being ugly can be result in same way. I wanted to be ugly, fat, and shit. Is there something I can get over with this?

The sixth years of my new chapter

Hi people. I am back to writing this blogger again. I hope I will continue writing summary of my new chapter.

Let's beginning the story about my challenge experience. The most challenge and pain experience were living in a single life. Believe it or not, I still haven't find a man. I just realized that I did not really understand what is a real man purpose for. Some of you guys wonder what does this mean. Unfortunately, I grew up with no father. I learned many women in my family that they were through lot of pain relationship. Most of them became single and raised their children on their own. I have been searching what is real man's purpose to be with valuable woman. This is hard to understand what is real man's purpose. I accepted a man who is not being in higher standard than my quality because this is very hard to believed real man will take care of me and show me a real love. I have not been dating anyone since I break-up with my ex. I thought my ex was my only and last man. I spoke with my spiritual aunt about difficultly situation I had been deal with past relationship. She says, "Get rid him out of my mind and pray for replace someone who's my real man I will marry." Replacing someone is very difficult but I still praying every day for finding me right man. I sometime felt like I am worthless or not right person to deserved the right man. I am twenty-six years old woman. Yes ma'am, I still being babe but have go through a lot of stressful situation what I should not have it in my young years. It make me growing-up too quickly. It's hard to enjoy my age this time. I want to get marriage and have baby. However, I did not think I will ever getting marry. I knew I would end up having a baby. I'm sorry - if you could not keep to reading this then CLOSE UP my page.  By the way, I cried, cried, and cried and BEG God Jehovah help me understand WHY not I have a man. I have see many people are getting married and happily together. I hate the roller coaster emotional about love, man, marry, and kids. Yes, I understand marriage is very triple work but prefer to be in marriage life. I try my best to keep up the good action and example for other. I have boys' problem. It is exactly same as what my mom had been through. I enjoyed to be around guys, talked with guys, and along with guys because they are my modest role I can look up. Of course, girls always have drama. I already had too many headache over this mini drama. I don't need it anymore. I am just not good enough to have a real man. From what I understand and learn are very limit compare to who experienced to be in marriage life with a real man and have a good father role. I try patience but I do not know how long will this be lasted. :-( As for my humidity, I pray if God Jehovah know I am right person so I beg him to help me out.

However, one thing I would have grateful my dad for remain wanted have relationship with his children. Most of percentage, children were raised with no biological father due to the decision of father's abandon his children. After many years of father's abandon, most fathers don't involve his children's life. Now, my dad is in my life. I love my dad. I could say I am just fortunately that my dad walked in my life. I hope our relationship will getting improve some time.