Everything is a struggle

I am so frustrated to deal with people's doubt or mistrust in my effort for working at the new jobs in new location. I don't understand what are they made themselves being doubt or mistrust or worrying about my effort. If I apply a job, it is mean I am an interesting. I am not here to playing a game and listen of your doubt in your speech. Why would I have listen of your doubt every times? I am not speaking in doubt ways. I am going to speak straightforward - If you feel doubt or worry about my interesting then don't need to waste my time by hear your saying. I am tired of hearing this same thing almost every day. I just really want to get out of here this long time home. I don't feel motivation or happiness to be here in this long time home state. Why does this hold me back? I need to know what does this hold me back. Why does this really worst harder to get a job? I really hate everything what I am deal with. 😡😡😡

My pain is NOT same as your pain

This is very difficult times for me going through many trials. I sometime could not understand why I'm still single. Some people says, "I will find one." I did mistrust this words because of my experience and feeling what I had been through many years. I feel like I am not valueable person to the right man. I know I am beautiful but not define of being valueable. This is really harder than what you see me deal with this. I have been dreaming of having a real man loves me and be on my left side but this is not reality in my life. This is like it is been 10 years now. How can I get over this piece of pain? I want this complete over because I am tired of getting emotion over this repeat like every time I see every marriage couples in my face. I was in past relationship, it was very horrible and sad. Sometime I wish I can fix my past relationship because it could be my last relationship. I have mistrust of words that I will marriage or find a right man. How can this complete done? I have been praying for find me a right man but my prayer isn't answered for a years. How can I suppose to trust in my prayer? I think I just have give up the part of my desire for marriage in my prayer because this isn't been answered in my prayer. I hate all of this repeat emotional. Is there something wrong with me? Do I have a mental disorder? Emotional disorder? What is wrong with me? Is there something absent in my life whatever had damaged my relationship? Does it affect me after I lose my great-grandma? Does it affect my angry of my father? Does it affect any reason I am not right person to getting marry to the right man? What is the reasons? There is no answer for me that I am very fraustrated. I need to know WHY. Can you give me an answer? Why do I have being beautiful? Why don't I being deserved to have a right man while I'm beautiful? What is the purpose for me being beautiful? Being beautiful can be result in feeling hurt. Being ugly can be result in same way. I wanted to be ugly, fat, and shit. Is there something I can get over with this?

The sixth years of my new chapter

Hi people. I am back to writing this blogger again. I hope I will continue writing summary of my new chapter.

Let's beginning the story about my challenge experience. The most challenge and pain experience were living in a single life. Believe it or not, I still haven't find a man. I just realized that I did not really understand what is a real man purpose for. Some of you guys wonder what does this mean. Unfortunately, I grew up with no father. I learned many women in my family that they were through lot of pain relationship. Most of them became single and raised their children on their own. I have been searching what is real man's purpose to be with valuable woman. This is hard to understand what is real man's purpose. I accepted a man who is not being in higher standard than my quality because this is very hard to believed real man will take care of me and show me a real love. I have not been dating anyone since I break-up with my ex. I thought my ex was my only and last man. I spoke with my spiritual aunt about difficultly situation I had been deal with past relationship. She says, "Get rid him out of my mind and pray for replace someone who's my real man I will marry." Replacing someone is very difficult but I still praying every day for finding me right man. I sometime felt like I am worthless or not right person to deserved the right man. I am twenty-six years old woman. Yes ma'am, I still being babe but have go through a lot of stressful situation what I should not have it in my young years. It make me growing-up too quickly. It's hard to enjoy my age this time. I want to get marriage and have baby. However, I did not think I will ever getting marry. I knew I would end up having a baby. I'm sorry - if you could not keep to reading this then CLOSE UP my page.  By the way, I cried, cried, and cried and BEG God Jehovah help me understand WHY not I have a man. I have see many people are getting married and happily together. I hate the roller coaster emotional about love, man, marry, and kids. Yes, I understand marriage is very triple work but prefer to be in marriage life. I try my best to keep up the good action and example for other. I have boys' problem. It is exactly same as what my mom had been through. I enjoyed to be around guys, talked with guys, and along with guys because they are my modest role I can look up. Of course, girls always have drama. I already had too many headache over this mini drama. I don't need it anymore. I am just not good enough to have a real man. From what I understand and learn are very limit compare to who experienced to be in marriage life with a real man and have a good father role. I try patience but I do not know how long will this be lasted. :-( As for my humidity, I pray if God Jehovah know I am right person so I beg him to help me out.

However, one thing I would have grateful my dad for remain wanted have relationship with his children. Most of percentage, children were raised with no biological father due to the decision of father's abandon his children. After many years of father's abandon, most fathers don't involve his children's life. Now, my dad is in my life. I love my dad. I could say I am just fortunately that my dad walked in my life. I hope our relationship will getting improve some time.

I'm back

Hello everyone, I am back! I would like to share with you some news about me. I am in Medtech College for medical coding. That is good to start with my new goal at Medtech. I likes to doing medical coding but it is very challenge for me learn to read the medical report with codes. I feel positive. I have had been learn a lot of medical education since I begun in 2nd semester at Chattahoochee Technical College. I think I would like to continue my medical education at community college because I only had 8 months involved private college for medical coding. I learned that I have to become more confidence for becoming a successful coder.

I have been busy with my life. Of course, you know I am regular pionner! Thank you Jehovah :) I enjoy to learn new thing when I go out preach and search to find more deaf people for teach them learns about Jehovah and Jesus. As for today, in my preach group, a brother encouraged us should feel pity on people because they don't know the truth about Jehovah. We must teach them learn about Jehovah and Jesus then they can have a life forever!

I have compare myself now from 3 years ago, it is very big different because I am learning a lot of Jehovah's wisdom and became better person to be with Jehovah. I was awful unhappier person when I was young. I would like to share with you of my experience about guys. Do not attractive to their looks, because it is trick your mind. It will have your mind thinks, "He's hot. He's finest." And guess what, does he have a good heart? Do you know him very well enough? Don't think it is okay to pick a guy who is handsome if you don't know him very well. Pray to Jehovah and ask Him what do he think best thing to do and ask Him give holy spirit you to guide then find out if he is good match you or not. When I met a guy that I used like him, it only learned about him in a short time. It is kinda called blind date. However, when he moved in my apartment and it had impacted me awful because I learned many facts about him while he lived with me. Is it smart decision to have him lived with me before marriage? No. Jehovah suggested, "Wait until getting marriage then a husband can have move in with me." Gen. 2:24 says, "That is why a man will leave his father and mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh." That is when it happen after Adam and Eve married. Jehovah is very smart. Him never change his idea about marriage, live together, and etc. I am single for 3 years because I have not been found a good man that I can marry. You might wonder how I feel about being stay single-well, honestly, it is hard and better at the same time. It is hard because I prefer to be with a man that he will always love me. I have that feel for a long time. It is better because I can learn who I really am and what do I need to improving myself while I am single. I always want to be a bright and loving wife to my future husband.

;;Make up;;
Girls, you should have try them makeups for your eyeshadow, eyelid, lip, cheek, face, and everything! I love them using it for often. It helps me to be in a good self-esteem. I know I am beautiful young woman! Also you need to check out at my cousin's YouTube videos about makeup tutorials. It is http://www.youtube.com/user/prettysecretAZ?feature=g-logo-rec

Check this out!!! :)

;;Outfit & Heels;;
I likes clothes and heels. light colors shirt match with darks color pants, skirt, or short. if you wear dark colors shirt, then wear dark color bottom. grey and black heels can go on any outfit but it depend on what kind of heel is that. if it ankle heel, it is better to wear with skirt or pant. if it boot heel, it is better to wear long skirt or bootcut jeans. if you have something white shirt or blouse, then please wear something dark color under your shirt. no one really want to see your color bra! also, wear a belt if it will show your underwear and crack on your butt. pull it up and wear it as professional.

;;Jewelry;;

I would recommend to buy a real 14K jewelry because it will stay long last. If you are good keeper all your jewelry together, then you can buy a real one. But please make sure you can afford them. I disliked the fake one but it is only for temporary until I can afford the real one. Get a good price, but not crazy and expensive price. don't!

;; Nails & Hair;;

Make up look toe and fingers nails. Take good care of it! I have natural growing longer on my nail- I don't like to wear a fake nails on me. Just keep real nail growing out. Put polish on it if you like. Take care of your hair. Feed yourself good healthy then it will make your nails and hair growing out! Additional, your face, too.

Need to see my example as wear a professional???? Check it out.

Wanna see DON'T copy this example... Check it out

My life

......You might read my life stories about the past. Now I am telling you what is up in my life now.

Many happened that I experienced awful where it put me in the wrong path. I was so young lady. Some people did warn me something need to be carefully but I decided not listen to them. I thought I would have to end up in my life at that moment. I end up in twice times at mental hospital. When I ran out of one hundred thousand dollars, I realized that I always need them to keep in my bank. I want that money to spend on what I need and support my family. I was like, "I wish I have that money right now. I was not responsible enough to handle that money when I was eighteen years old." My emotion was very depression and confused. I thought I made the right decision when I went on the different path. Some people were against me and took advantage of me while I was innocent. I never looking forward to have a life forever. I gave up everything I had in the past. That reason I felt a lot of lonely in the world. I decided to change my life and put myself in Jehovah's hand.

Today, I have apartment with 2 bedrooms and one bathroom includes a hardwood floors. I have a nice car with minor damage by deer hit. I attend christian meetings at Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witness. Jehovah teach me a marvelous lesson to learn everyday. I became happy person to learn from Jehovah's teaching. My goals are becoming Jehovah's Witness and involves Jehovah's Kingdom. I never complain anything at all! I don't feel any regret to put myself holding Jehovah's hand. He know me. He have been patient with me so much well!

heartbreak

10/25: Finally, this is about a time for me having a space in the new home. I had enjoy my vacation weekend at Galladuet University and meet a new people there. When I left Atlanta, I felt this is my farewell sweet home in Atlanta because I been grew up in Atlanta for fourteen years. Now I am nineteen years old, realized how difficult for me leave Atlanta for moving to new home in Penn. I was hold my tears my eye while I drove into South Carolina, because I can't drive back to Atlanta while I am looking forward to see new things in my life. Like, you can't go backward and you can go and see forward. Go backward is like as failure because you keep going over and over. Looking forward is like you are ahead of something that you want to SUCCESS. The eviornment, people, social, and everything here in Penn are very different!! I can't describe how do I feel about this but one thing that I can say sercue for myself feeling safetly. At the same time, I missed my people - Lia, Kate, Marla, Stephine, Jamie, Dentrience, Branden, and others. I don't care HOW old are you, really?! I feel grateful to Kate, Marla, and Stephine adviced me anything. I never thought about moving to new state when I discovered MaRcus - described his new home and suggest me come to new city in Penn. I was like ok, I would love to......and I made it. I wouldn't NEVER thought of that I would make it to moving a new state. But, I thought about go to COLLEGE in out of state as Galladuet University, RIT, and wherever I wants go for college. I looked back as when I was young girl.....you can't imagine how terrible I went through and when I was hardhead! U might can;t handle me if i;m your child but maybe you can try me or not. My grandma have had a lot of work to raise me!!!! My mom is happy and impression for her done her job to replace for my mom. I admire her as showing respect my mom and grandmother and material grandmother that they were be there for me and raise me in good way.
When I come back to Atlanta, I need to visit my family. I known that I am still feeling hurt that my mother is gone and don;t know how would I react when people ask me where is my mom at? I was like honey, she is in her sleep. It is like say it in the thousand times.....it's okay to tell them my mom is sleep but sometime it makes me feel like I want MOMMY. I'm always being a MOMMY's girl no matter what. What will affect my life if my mom still alive? If I become a mother, I will always precious my childern as my angels and princess because I want to be there for them in their life at all the times. No matter what if my childern having hearing, mental, vision, or any problem they got......I will always have them in my heart. I always want to be a good mother. In my head, I'd quit anything for my childern's need but not ever go back to anything bad again after finish raise my own childern, period. When I have a childern, I want them meet my family in daddy;s side but mom's side? I;d mind if I keep my everything straight up because I can feel there atomsphere of judgement on me a lot. I can't keep deal with this kind of feeling when I was been around with them. Talked behind about me? I talked behind their back, is that fair enough? Anyway, I want to see my brother and sister become happy aunt & uncle to my childern that they can always look up at them. Cermonii is my necies and always be my boss baby.
As my personility, it might be same as my mom or dad's character to show people who I really am. O' girl, I finished graduate high school but I have return down there to Atlanta for take graduation re-test again until I pass it. After that, I will go straight to college for the fall semester as best time for me attend. I discovered about myself that I really cared about people too much but people turn around and lost my cares because they thinks that I am too easy & not smart enough to guard my soul, heart, and mind. Ok, why are you taking advantage of me? I don't do that to you. That is very rude and ugly to do that to me. Now I'm becoming mean whenever I think you're wrong and gonna say NO to your face whenever I think it's risky to me. That's right You can't change my attitude but only thing I can do it by myself.
10/27: Oh my goodness.... I hate the parking meter in Penn because I have move my car at 7am til 10am, 10am til 3pm, and 3pm til 5pm......what the?! It's so dumb to have fine cost $15 each time u parked at the residental parking zone. I already DISLIKED to live here, it is not WORTH it!! We will moving to new apartment for us......save our neck! If they tow my car then I will be upset....I have to watch my car out at outside b/c they would have TOW my car. What the?? I can't wait to have move out of here by end of this NOV!!!
I went to UPS for the job interview today at 5:30pm. I spoke to lady about the job and she reschedule me for job interview with interpreter on Thursday at 7:30pm night. I pray God that I hope I will get a job asap b/c I disliked to depend or ask people for borrow some money. I have to learn HOW to wisely and save money for the future. I am harder to keep surivive through the hardest and rough time. Keep looking for the job. Looking forward 2 go to college in next fall semester. Read the bible. Pray God everyday. (Talk with God everyday). I would never ask my family for money because I rather not cause any problem in the family relationship. I looked back and wonder why didn't I listen to both parents of deaf child that they tried help me. Oh boy. I think my mind is just block whatever people try teach me in the righteous way. I went crazy to spend all of my money in less than a year. If I still have 90K, then I would have money for long, long, and long time. Nobody need to tell people about their money business. You can't except that people will always pay you back but you have to think set first before you give out.
I don't really think that good idea to have a new boyfriend for awhile b/c first of all, I need to focus on myself & need time to finding who I really am. I am 19 years old lady. I am basketball player. I have a good personility. Learn how to be wise & smart. Talk with God everyday. Have a good self-esteem. Be strong. Focus on education. Enjoy yourself everyday. That what I need to living my life whatever I'm here for. I can do anything through Jesus Christ by the strength.
10/27: We were talked about our high school memories. The best year of my high school was FRESHMEN year. The worest year of my high school was SENIOR year. I am hopefully that I will go to COLLEGE next fall.
Plan A: Take graduation test on 11/09/09. If pass it, then go to college in the SPRING semester.
Plan B: Get your everything straight up with your money sistuation and clean my mess up. Take graduation test in March 2010 and Summer 2010(if failed in spring). Go to college in the FALL semester.
Plan C: Take GED class for English then go to COLLEGE in the FALL semester.
JOB: Interview at UPS by Thursday night at 7:30pm with interpreter provide.
Social Sercuity: Meeting with them on Tuesday, Nov. 10th at 11:00am
VA: Call & find out when I need for making an appointment. OR walk-in for get a photo i.d with health insurance
WHENEVER you get money, set up your BUDGET plan.
1. Pay $50 for re-open the bank account at Wachovia.
2. Make sure you have money in the bank.
3. Never TOUCH your money when it will reach the negative amount in your account
When you get paycheck from UPS, Go deposit in your bank.
1. Save money for emergency - Car fix, food, or anything IMPORTANT.
2. Save money for COLLEGE.
Budget plan:
Pay for the rent.
Food.
Gas.
Pay the phone bills and switch to new carrier (VERIZON or AT&T)
Get oil change & check-up for the car
Buy water fluid.
Set up the appointment for:
Dentist's
Orthodontist
Primary care doctor (if need)
Beauty salon (if need)
10/28: Today is very boredom day for me.... I've been staying home mostly of the day time. I really cannot stand of parking meter around here in PA!!! I hope I will get out of here and move-in Jet's house... I will more happy than anything to get out of here and have less worry about parking.....At least that house is near downtown of Harrisburg then I will be fine to walking down the street if I need to....because there have shopping, mall, or any place that have in downtown of Harrisburg. I was thought about take GED exam for English portion test but at the same time, I don't want to look dumb to take GED. I want to show people that I am smart enough to pass the Georgia Graduation test. I have wait until March 2010, it'll takes FOREVER!!!! Now I realizes it's my decision as whatever I think it's best for me instead of neccessary to LISTEN people what their opinion. I hope everything will work it out for me and keep faith&strong ALL THE TIMES ;) I want go to college this fall 2010. Please GOD gives me strength to PASS IT!!
　
11/12: *yawn* this is cold outside while i'm walked to my car then moved it to near my home.

11/26: I tried to understand why does the world are in 'crazy' but let God work on me. I know everything had I do the bad habits. The devil is controlling my mind, soul, and heart. Every time I say, "I have to" but what can I change this from doing the bad habit? I realized I should not keep talking to old friend because the devil can see my eye that I am too weak to resist them. Please Jehvoah may help me to be strong. I need someone keep encourage me about Jehovah everyday. :)

Live my life is like as challenge and pursing my own dream

This has been almost 3 months to live here in my new home PA. I discovered where is the right place for me living my life here, it was amazing! :] I thanked my cousin Cat for taught me anything to make me put my head up & loving who I really am. No one is able to replace him because there are hard to find similiar like him. You cannot be like him. You cannot be like me. I cannot be like yall. Just be ourselves who we are. :] I believe that being deaf is very challenge that you're fights about your right, deafness, and etc, mean that you aren't dumb to not give your challenge up whatever God gives you more blessed. If you aren't enough to challenge to fights for your everything, it mean you're dumb enough to let yourself be failure. I may continue keep hard working to be successfully african-american woman. I respect who I am, I respect my body, I respect my style, I respect my mother have me here this earth, and it is all about myself. I still don't have my own crews here PA because I haven't chance to meet more new people in my ages. I know I will have time to meet new people in my age. It is ok for you say ugly thing about me but I still love who I am. I am alright to see myself in the mirror when I'm sad, ugly, happy, angry, and etc. To look in the mirror is help me to look beautiful before I go hang out, work, to fitness, out of town, or anywhere. Anybody who is trying to damage who I am, it will hurt me but it's ok because I am with Jehovah. To belief my own religious, you cannot judge people what are they believe because there is nothing to going against you. But it against God, because God know people don't want to hear the truth in true religious.